Becoming a semi-vegan

Yes. It sounds silly. Semi-vegan. That’s almost like being half-pregnant. Like joining the NoFap movement but still fapping from time to time. But believe me, it works. Nah, I don’t mean fapping. Semi-veganism works! Look, adopting a plant based diet is a big step in any person’s life and I consider it a part of my life changing, self improving, personal developing, world saving, truth seeking process. It’s in the ranks of those big moments in life such as quitting smoking, starting a new relationship, finally writing a good blog post after a really long time, etc…

I’ll be honest with you – the whole point of becoming a semi-vegan is to postpone becoming a 100% vegan indefinitely. Why? Let’s keep this a secret between us, okay? Because this way you get to enjoy the best of both worlds! You get to eat plant based food as well as meat, while still being conscious about the issues of the industrialised farming. The best of all – you can claim already now that you’re vegan. Hihi. How cool is that, ha? You just cannot say “I’m vegan” because that would be a lie. Therefore “semi-vegan”. Because, the moment you become a full-fledged vegan, you’re not allowed to eat animal products anymore. Of course, everybody knows that. This is just to illustrate how ingenious this plan is… 😊

Let’s imagine becoming a real vegan instead of a semi-vegan. I mean, just imagine the following scenario: you’re being offered a piece of a juicy steak or a nice cheeseburger and you’re saying: “Sorry, I’m vegan. I don’t eat meat.” You raise your hands in front of you, as if you’re defending yourself and those poor animals : “Sorry, I’m vegan. I don’t eat meat.” Ok, for them poor animals on the plate it’s a bit too late but you might be saving the coming generations!

And this becomes your mantra: “Sorry, I’m vegan. I don’t eat meat”. And you totally don’t give a fook if people give you the weird look. You just keep repeating your mantra: “Sorry, I’m vegan. I don’t eat meat”. Just BTW, as a semi-vegan, if you say this mantra, you have to say it as if you actually mean it. Otherwise real vegans will see through your semi-veganism. And they usually don’t tolerate non-vegan style of life. Vegan veterans are like detectives, they can’t be easily fooled: “So you say you had that hot-and-sour soup the other day?” Uhm. “And those sesame bars? Don’t they make them with honey? You did remember to check the list of ingredients, didn’t you?”

Luckily, the food industry has been taking care of us health-conscious vegans and semi-vegans lately, by substituting real honey with glucose syrup. Thank you, food industry. You’re making our lives so much easier! And you’re keeping food prices stable, despite the inflation. Thank you, thank you!

Afterwards, when you feel ready – you can take your mantra to the next level: “I’m vegan. I don’t eat meat.” Notice how you’re not ‘sorry’ anymore for being a vegan. You’re breaking out from your ‘I’m-not-sure-about-this’ role and standing proud in front of the world: “I’m vegan. I don’t eat meat.” Before you know it, you’ll have the guts to stand up in the middle of a restaurant or at a dinner party and proudly announce: “I’m vegan. I don’t eat meat.”. Of course, this period of coming out as a vegan will last only until you have no more non-vegan friends and you notice that you’re not being invited to parties as much anymore.

In the final step, the mantra changes to: “I’m vegan. You should be, too!”. At this stage it becomes a part of your life purpose to educate the world about the suffering of animals and industrialised factory farms where hens are forced to lay eggs and a heavy burden is imposed upon bees to fly out and produce more and more honey… And if people don’t listen to what you’re saying, simply start being cynical and start making condescending remarks until they feel really bad. Because, animal well being is important. And vegans need to make sure that everyone understands this.

But hey, all of the above would just be an issue for those who wish to become real vegan. Semi-vegan don’t have such problems. Therefore… 😊

Be semi-vegan, my friend.*





* sorry, Bruce.

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