Month: October 2021

I’ve been vibing so low in the past few weeks. I’ve been flying above the clouds, carried by the most beautiful emotions. And I’ve been crashing on the ground, pulled down from the skies by feelings of guilt, fear of losing, jealosy, all the negative stuff.

If it only happened once, that wouldn’t have been as bad, I guess. Bam. Bam. And you’re done. But I kept dreaming and kept turning beautiful dreams into horrible nightmares over and over again…

And in my weakest moments I kept dragging others in this inner struggle of mine. How weak. What a cowardly way to act.

And for sure I hurt those wonderful people who opened their hearts to me. You can only drag someone in your own struggle if they care for you. If you’re (deeply) connected. For strangers would rarely allow themselves to be dragged in other people’s “games”…

I’ve behaved in a most incomprehensible way lately, hurting some very special people I truly cared for. I’ve said and done things that I’ve regretted ever since and I’m so ashamed of doing so.

I feel like some bizarre kind of Goethe’s Mephisto, the one who wishes to be good and do good, but… ends up doing exactly the opposite. 🥺

[I am] part of that force that always wills the GOOD and always produces the EVIL.

Hurting someone who warm-heartedly invites you into their life with open arms is probably one of the meanest things a human can do (even if done inadvertently).

Now I’m living my days literally hating myself and hoping for forgiveness. 💔