Watermelon

You know when you buy a huge watermelon, bring it home and realize… it’s too big for you to eat it all alone. And then you wish so much you had someone to share it with. Cold, sweet watermelon 🍉

…oh, you’re still here? Thanks, but – that was it for today. This was just a random short micro-shitpost…

Ruby Tuesday

…and so I caught myself standing in front of the gates of my workplace. Huge metal two-leaf gate, with a sign “Property protected by…” some security company. God only knows how long I have been standing there. As if I was having a dilemma – to enter the hell or to run away. It must have looked very weird to anyone observing the scene…

Ok, to be quite honest, my work is far from being a hell, although my brain does trick me into feeling like this from time to time… Such a bummer, when you get caught between your dreams and the reality… this job keeps me insured and the salary comes regularly. All that while I’m dreaming of travelling around the world and composing & releasing my songs… It’s just that I get thrown back into my eternal “job vs. dreams” dilemma every time I remember Dr. Wayne Dyers quote:

“Don’t die with your music still in you.”

Wayne Dyer

And I feel that time is ticking, too… (although, you know, ‘time’ doesn’t actually exist in the Universe and it is a completely man-made concept). I’m getting older. Trains are leaving. One after another… I feel pressed to jump on and grab one of those chances. But then I remind myself that “I don’t chase. I attract. What’s meant for me will simply find me”…

I titled this blog entry ‘Ruby Tuesday’ because it is Tuesday today and yesterday I spent the whole afternoon recording a cover version of “As tears go by” on my harmonica. BTW, did you know that Jimmy Page played the guitar part on the studio recording of this song? And that Mr. Page was a very sought-after studio musician/guitarist in the 60’s? I learned this only today…

Aaaaaand, today morning, while scrolling through my tiktok feed, I heard a wonderful mantra I’d like to share with you:

“My days are long and slow and filled with precious moments where I find myself so grateful for all the blessings in my life”

Declan J O’Donoghue

Vibing low…

I’ve been vibing so low in the past few weeks. I’ve been flying above the clouds, carried by the most beautiful emotions. And I’ve been crashing on the ground, pulled down from the skies by feelings of guilt, fear of losing, jealosy, all the negative stuff.

If it only happened once, that wouldn’t have been as bad, I guess. Bam. Bam. And you’re done. But I kept dreaming and kept turning beautiful dreams into horrible nightmares over and over again…

And in my weakest moments I kept dragging others in this inner struggle of mine. How weak. What a cowardly way to act.

And for sure I hurt those wonderful people who opened their hearts to me. You can only drag someone in your own struggle if they care for you. If you’re (deeply) connected. For strangers would rarely allow themselves to be dragged in other people’s “games”…

A bizarre version of Goethe’s Mephisto

I’ve behaved in a most incomprehensible way lately, hurting some very special people I truly cared for. I’ve said and done things that I’ve regretted ever since and I’m so ashamed of doing so.

I feel like some bizarre kind of Goethe’s Mephisto, the one who wishes to be good and do good, but… ends up doing exactly the opposite. 🥺

[I am] part of that force that always wills the GOOD and always produces the EVIL.

Hurting someone who warm-heartedly invites you into their life with open arms is probably one of the meanest things a human can do (even if done inadvertently).

Now I’m living my days literally hating myself and hoping for forgiveness. 💔

Such a cool dude, that David Gilmour

Just finished watching “David Gilmour – Wider Horizons” on youtube. What a cool guy. Such an inspiration. Ok, obviously we got to see only that what we were meant to see… every medal also has the other side, the one that is not (immediately) displayed to the public.

But, I have to say – I loved what I saw. Very often it is up to us to complete the impression in our heads, you know, add those missing parts… that’s why a single movie can leave a million different impressions on a million people.

It’s a really nice documentary, highly recommended for any musician, guitarist, creative person, Pink Floyd fan…

The last day of August 2021

Yesterday I stayed at work until late because I wanted to finally finish some statistics for the team.

On my way home I realised it was the last day of August 2021. Another day, another month is gone. And never coming back again… while I was busy joggling some data around in Excel. Data which will become obsolete in a matter of days. Just try to imagine that. Imagine turning days into dust. How sad.

So I wrote a song/poem – a farewell song for that last day of August 2021:

There goes the last day
of August 2021.
I won't be missing it much
Yeah, some days were nice,
Some... really fun
Most of the time I felt out of touch

With reality
Oh, that's my speciality

It has been rainy
It has been tense
I fell in love
And made new friends

August 2021
Forever gone
Forever gone...

When you wake up on a rainy Monday morning…

When you wake up hating Mondays, you can be 100% sure that you’re doing something wrong. You’re not in the flow. You feel drained, you’re missing the direction. Any direction.

From the current perspective, I’m almost certain that any direction would be better than floating around this huge ocean of life, like some old abandoned raft…

Guess what? It’s Monday. I’m dragging my feet to the metro station on my way to the office. It’s cold and dark, and this bloody rain doesn’t help, either. Going down the stairs, putting the mask on. Being forced to wear the fcuking mask is so annoying, I cannot breathe. I hate it.

Now I almost wrote “and I hate my job” but… you know, if you hate it – leave it. So, nah, I don’t hate it. It’s a stable monthly income. But if you’re a fish and the job requires a lot of tree climbing, well… you ain’t gonna be the top performer in this job…

Persistency can compensate for lack of skills or experience but it comes at a cost. It costs time and it drains energy…

Maybe I feel like this just because of fcukin ‘rona? It’s lowkey killing me every day, bit by bit… I sold all of my PFE stock the other day. Sure enough didn’t sell at the highest high (not even near the peak, unfortunately). But, ok… anyway I expect markets to pull back a bit. Recent bull runs have been crazy. Gates said on the CNBSee he expects things to be back to normal by the end of 2022. Some others have mentioned spring 2022. The moment JPow announces tapering, the sell-off begins. Wait and see. Latest in December. I just hope there won’t come an even greater evil after ‘rona cards have been played out. You know, a war or… some other shit… “back to normal” my ass…

Or am I this broken because it’s autmn already? Dunno. Autmn weather in August feels strange. The nights are so fcuking cold. Hello? Universe? G*d? What’s going on?

When you wake up…

You know that feeling when you wake up to a new, sunny day… quite different than yesterday. You thank the Universe that you woke up alive and free and you feel like you wanna shout from happiness.

The world is turning and you feel like turning along, as if you were on a huge carousel. And so the world is turning and you are turning and your thoughts are turning. And you look at the blue skies and you feel nothing but joy. Pure joy.

Yesterday I donated blood. It has been almost a year since I’ve done it last time… and it feels good. Are we allowed to feel good when we’ve done good? Haha. Some would say: “what an egoistic act. Giving, in order to feel good. How pathetic”… but then again, he or she who gets this blood – I’m pretty sure they won’t be going into my reasons for donating blood…

Midlife gap year

I need a break. Yep. Auszeit, as locals would say. You know, just disappear from the face of the Earth for some time. Get my sh!t together, reorganise, review my life goals… call me sissy, I don’t care. I just don’t feel like sparring with office-chair cowboys and corporate elbow fighters anymore.

Ok, life outside corporate environment is for sure not easier… specially without a job or better yet “regular monthly income” (doesn’t need to be a 9-5 job). But… as I said – I feel like I need a break.

So what do regular gurus do when they feel like taking some time off? Well, Osho would probably make himself comfortable in one of his diamond-studded Rolls Royces and tell his bodyguard driver in his calm, soothing voice: “Take me to the place where I can be one with myself”.

I imagine this poor driver first looking at Osho through the rear view mirror hoping for further instructions. But when he’d notice that Osho is just absently staring at some far away point through the heavy, tinted window, the driver would turn his head around in despair and say: “But sir, you know that the place where you will become one with yourself and the whole universe lies… within…”

Osho would then suddenly rouse from this meditative state and give the driver that wild-eyed look, saying: “Dude, who’s the guru here? Just drive. Please.” and finish this sentence with a guruish smile…

Sadhguru, on the other hand, would probably jump on one of his Harleys and drive away alone into the wilderness (accompanied by a video crew of 20 people)…

And what do New Life Gurus do in such situations? Hm… you know what I did? I fired up my computer and typed in Google: “Take a break and travel the world”.

And guess what appeared among the first five search results? “taking a midlife gap year”. How in the world does Google know that I’m a midlife person?? Ok, ok… never mind. Stupid question. Google knows everything.

So I learned that I’m 1. obviously not alone in this ( which is obvious, since there’s even a thing called ‘midlife gap year’) and 2. I totally want to do this. It’s only that… fcuking ‘rona is not exactly helping… I’ll probably have to wait until it’s over. Bill said that he hopes for the world to be ‘completely back to normal’ by the end of 2022. Whatever the ‘normal’ will be by then…

Ok, so – I’ll just save up a bit of $€¥, get ready and … off we go! 🛫

This Belgian couple did just that: midlifetrip.blog Very cool. ☀️👍

Let me know if you wanna join me! 🤗 Let’s travel the world together 🌎

Falling back to old habbits

I woke up this morning feeling really tired. So tired.
Tired of being overweight.
Tired of being lazy.
Tired of not being where I want to be…

So I fired up the computer and…

…continued playing video games while eating cookies… 🤷🏻‍♂️

Trying to initiate some changes but constantly falling back to the old habbits… to the point where it hurts. Knowing what’s right but still doing wrong things… oh, man… 🥺